I was joined by Jess Devaux immediately after my interview with Alexa Ruscitto in the same location to talk about being emo, the resentment that can come with progress, and whether or not I lied to get my superlative.
- A totally real photo of me and Jess together. I definitely didn’t forget to take a picture of us after our interview and hastily edit this together at the last minute.
Jess was a late addition to this project. When I was talking to Alexa about scheduling our interview, she mentioned that Jess wanted to be interviewed as well. I told her that I already had a full roster of 13 participants, but if anyone backed out I’d let her know. A few days later someone dropped out while I was trying to schedule their interview, so I reached out to Alexa to let her know that the spot was Jess’ if she still wanted it. Alexa said Jess would join us at the office so that I could do the interviews one after the other. Jess sat down for the interview, and while she was happy to be involved, it was clear that Alexa had not exactly briefed her about the project. After I explained the idea to Jess, by reading the text I had sent to Alexa and all of the other participants when initially reaching out to them, she was just as willing to participate, and we got started from there. Thank you to Alexa for helping to facilitate this so that I did not have to get rejected again by asking people if I could interview them.
Frankie Becerra: So again, thank you for-
Jess Devaux: Volunteering myself (laughs)
FB: Your eagerness to get on in here.
JD: Well you know me I like attention so.
FB: Famously, of course, yeah
JD: (Laughs)
FB: So what’s one way you’ve changed since high school?
JD: That’s a good question. I think and obvious or easy answer is I’ve grown up. Just become more mature and realized a lot of different things and just become a better person.
FB: That’s good, definitely better than becoming a worse person.
JD: That’s true (laughs).
FB: What’s something that you’ve accomplished in the last ten years that you’re proud of?
JD: Um… honestly starting my dream career.
FB: And what is that?
JD: I work in healthcare PR, which doesn’t seem like super glamorous but I work some with big companies on projects that have helped a lot of people in the last few years. Things like that that I never dreamed I would do. I got my degree in PR and then when I graduated I was trying to figure out what I wanted to do with my life and then started working for this agency a couple of years ago and absolutely hated my life. Then covid happened and I was like miserable, but then I started working at my current job and everything just fell into place. So I’m just proud of myself for getting through the bad times to have the good.
FB: I think that’s something that we don’t really realize about the phrase “dream career” because it’s like we’re not all gonna be astronauts and basketball players and shit so I think what it comes down to is like something that you can feel good about waking up and doing every day.
JD: Totally, and just like knowing… like if I think about the person I was five years ago, I would tell them it’s gonna be fine, you’re gonna make it, you know?
FB: Yeah cause I also think that I- in conversation recently I had someone ask me “What’s your dream job?” and if I’m being honest, I don’t dream of having a job.
JD: Right.
FB: We’re just in a world where I need to, so I gotta figure some shit out.
JD: Exactly, as long as you like what you do I feel like that can constitute a dream job.
FB: Yeah, I agree with that. So with that in mind, what’s something you hope to accomplish in the next ten years?
JD: Something I hope to accomplish… I feel like there’s so many things I can accomplish. I don’t know, I guess get married honestly (laughs).
FB: Yeah?
JD: So we’ll see about that. Which is funny because I feel like back in the day I was always like flirting with somebody and now I am single and all my friends are getting married. I literally have five weddings this year, so it’s crazy.
FB: Dude I feel that. I went to three last year three months in a row, and I’m going to three again this year, one this weekend.
JD: It’s insane. You’re like “When is it my turn?” So I guess maybe just like finding someone, like finding someone that is worth my time.
FB: Yeah that’s fair. I mean I’ve found plenty of people who aren’t.
JD: Yeah agreed
FB: Actually “plenty” might be a stretch for me, but some people who aren’t.
JD: (Laughs) Same.
FB: So now what, if anything, do you miss most about high school? And it’s ok if the answer is nothing.
JD: I miss sports. I definitely had my peak in sports in high school. I was really good at soccer… I could’ve gone a lot farther in soccer than I ended up going. But yeah just I miss sports a lot, every day playing sports that I love and being around my friends.
FB: Right, it is one of those things where you are so dedicated to your sport at that time and you don’t really think about it a couple years later when you don’t have that kind of structure of the sport anymore.
JD: You don’t have so many outside factors when you’re younger that you do when you get older. Like in high school obviously we were like partying, but then you go to college and you’re like partying all the time and having boyfriends and girlfriends and sports are the least of your problems. But in high school sports was like the thing I needed to be the best at, so I focused on that.
FB: That makes sense. So do you think that you left high school prepared for the next phase of your life?
JD: I think I thought that at the time. But as I grew, no I don’t think so.
FB: Yeah I don’t think anyone is saying yes to that one.
JD: Like I definitely at the time was like “I’m so ready to get out of Brewster, blah blah blah” ready to have my own life, and then life comes at you fast and you’re like holy shit.
FB: Yeah it does. That’s another thing that’s been kind of popping up here and again in these interviews so far, that first post high school year, be it freshman year of college or whatever it is for you is rough.
JD: Yup, it is.
FB: Like I know I personally had a terrible first year of college.
JD: Yeah, no I mean it’s hard because you’re in a completely different atmosphere, everything is different, and then you have to figure out how you’re gonna deal with all of that and it’s only gonna get worse, well not worse but like it’s only gonna keep getting more different as you get older, you know? Like we went to school with the same people for how many years. And also in college you’re there for four years with the same people, but then what?
FB: Yeah it just keeps going.
JD: Exactly.
FB: So if you could change one thing about your time in high school knowing what you know now, what would you change?
JD: I would definitely, ok so I definitely don’t think I was a bully per se, but I definitely wouldn’t have had bully tendencies.
FB: Ok, I like that
JD: Because I definitely bullied people, but I wouldn’t classify myself as a bully. I definitely said some not nice things to people and I wish I didn’t do that.
FB: I think it’s really big to acknowledge that and be aware that you’ve grown past that. I think that’s awesome.
JD: Yeah, definitely. I mean I definitely look back on so many things and I’m like “Wish I didn’t fucking say that”, but you know, here we are.
FB: We made it to where we are.
JD: Yeah very true.
FB: So as a member of the Class of 2013, do you have any advice for the Class of 2023 as they enter this next phase of their lives?
JD: Hmm, I guess it kind of goes back to what I said before like five years ago I would tell myself everything is gonna be ok, you’re gonna make it, you’re gonna figure it out, so I would tell that to them. Like yeah it’s sad you’re leaving your high school friends, you’re going away, it’s exciting and it’s sad at the same time, but everything will fall into place. You’re gonna have hard times, you’re gonna have great times, but at the end of it, it’ll all be good and you’ll figure it out.
FB: Nice, I like that. So speaking of the current seniors, do you think you would rather be a high schooler right now, or in the early 2010’s when we were there?
JD: Oh when we were there, for sure. Like I couldn’t imagine, like obviously we had social media back then but it’s not nearly as crazy as it is now. It would just be insane. The cyberbullying and then girls who are eleven years old are like caking on makeup everyday because that’s what they see on TikTok like I couldn’t imagine. Like yeah I wanted to wear makeup when I was like twelve but my mom told me no, nowadays moms are buying their kids the new skincare stuff. It’s a competition and popularity contest with everything these days, and I guess it kind of was back then too, but there were less outside forces impacting them.
FB: That’s something that’s been coming up a lot with this question the social media aspect of it all, and I think you brought up a side of it that hasn’t really been discussed yet which is the I guess growing up too fast aspect of it.
JD: Mhm.
FB: Because I remember seeing that a little bit to an extent with the social media that we had because like we were saying Facebook was the big one, and then Twitter and Instagram jumped in there a little bit towards the end, but it was kind of like, you know when you’re young you always kind of have that inclination to want to be like the older people that you see.
JD: Yep.
FB: And so whether that’s like your siblings or your cousins or whoever that is, that’s who you were mainly connecting with on Facebook. But now with the larger social media landscape that these kids have, it’s anyone. It’s anyone you see, it’s the people that are considered influencers, it’s just whatever popular person of the month-
JD: And also just like they’re putting themselves out there for anyone to see, and like yeah that was a risk for us too when we had social media, but you see these middle schoolers or like these young high schoolers with their tits out and like their booty shorts on and you’re like everyone is gonna see that… It was just a little bit more controlled when we were younger. More restrictions I guess. Now no one gives a fuck.
FB: It’s crazy.
JD: I mean I think it would be interesting to go back to high school for like a day in this day and age, but I would not want to flip it. I would not want to go through high school again at this point.
FB: Yeah that’s fair. I was actually working in Brewster schools for a while as a substitute teacher, so someone who has been in there recently, it is definitely different. And I think, kind of on the same level of the social media thing, it’s really I think been due to the drastic jumps in technology that we’ve seen in the last couple of years.
JD: Yep, 100%. I think that’s the number one thing. That, and then it’s like an umbrella, there’s so many other things. And it’s funny because obviously like, I work in PR so social media is a big part of what I do, but you can use social media for good. And obviously, I have my personal social media accounts and everything, but I even see them myself- like when I was in college or like the end of high school, I was posting on Instagram like two or three times every week. Like oh, I went to a party, post a picture on Instagram, you know? Now I’m like I could care less. I’ll post to my Instagram story, I’ll post in feed sometimes, and like I don’t give a fuck. And I don’t think my followers really care that much to see me post a picture of myself every day like some people do.
FB: And that’s the thing there was that level of, I mean maybe for lack of a better term validation you’d get from the response to what you’d post, you know?
JD: Yeah, exactly. Yep, it was validation. It’s validation and it’s also immaturity, like you think you need that validation so that’s why you’re so consumed with social media, and then as you get a little older and older you’re like “ok, it doesn’t really matter that much”. There are some people who will never grow up from social media though.
FB: That’s something that I’ve had to deal with with the way that I use social media because I do primarily use it for what I am considering work on a comedy creating level.
JD: Right.
FB: And, I don’t post on Instagram as much as I used to, but it would be really hard sometimes when I would be putting a lot of work into a video where I spent hours writing and shooting and editing and all this shit, and then I would post it and it’d get like five likes or something. I’ve had that happen- that happened yesterday! I posted something yesterday and I’m still like-
JD: Yeah and it’s like all the time and effort went to nothing
FB: And it’s very hard, or I should say it’s very easy to get in your head and be like “Well why aren’t people liking this? Why aren’t the people that I thought would like it like it?” and things like that. And at the same time, it’s easy to get burnt out. I was telling Alexa earlier that another thing that I was pushing myself to do that I’ve stopped doing is prior to this year for the past two years I was posting on TikTok every single day.
JD: Really?
FB: I was making myself make sure that I was writing something new every single day just because I was like well this is me putting in the work. This is how I’m watching other people in my field kind of get entire careers. And it’s one of those things where I did kind of have to take a step back, and this is something I’m glad I’ve gotten much better at, taking a step back and being like “It doesn’t matter who likes it, it doesn’t matter how many people like it, I’m doing this to get better at it so that if one day an opportunity arises, I will have already put in the time”.
JD: Right, exactly, and you’ll have stuff to show.
FB: Exactly, and that kind of goes back to what you said you could be using it for good or bad, like I’ve put my Instagram on job applications for content creating positions where it’s like this is my portfolio.
JD: Right and that happens a lot in that industry.
FB: Crazy.
JD: I know it is kind of crazy to think that to get a job you’re putting your Instagram, like ten years ago you would not do that. Even if we were this age ten years ago we would not be doing that.
FB: I remember years ago we all did the thing where we changed our names on Facebook when we applied to colleges so they couldn’t find us.
JD: Oh my god, yes! Yes cause we were all nervous (laughs).
FB: Now it’s like, I need you to see my Twitter so that you know I can write things.
JD: Yes, you need to know I’m funny.
FB: Exactly, it’s wild. So coming towards the end here, one thing our school never did was senior quotes. Do you have one that you like that you would’ve used back then, or one that you like now?
JD: One thing about me is back in high school and middle school I was such like a- I was very emo, I still am very emo, but I used to love quotes and I would literally type up quotes that I found on the internet in like cool fonts, and I would print them out and I’d put them all over my walls in my bedroom and on my door. Looking back it was so dumb but it was funny. But I used to be obsessed with quotes. I actually just thought of this one, “The best is yet to come. I wrote it on my college graduation cap but honestly, I would’ve said it in high school too.
FB: That’s perfect.
JD: I really like that question.
FB: Thank you. Now before we finish up, do you have any questions you want to ask me? And it’s ok if you don’t.
JD: Are you gonna profile yourself for this as well?
FB: So I do have a plan, and I guess at this point I can tell you the plan because it will have already happened if anyone is reading this, but I wrote a script and I’m gonna make a sketch where it’s me interviewing myself.
JD: Oh ok, yeah.
FB: So that’s my plan to participate. And also people have been asking me questions during the interviews so like I’ve probably answered the quote question for myself four or five times already.
JD: Ok so you have your quote, what’s yours?
FB: My quote is, so this is actually one that I had in mind in high school because I just for some reason thought maybe out of nowhere they would ask us to do it-
JD: I kinda wish they did.
FB: Yeah, I think it would’ve been fun.
JD: Yeah
FB: But I think I still would use this same quote today, it’s “A baby’s gotta do what a baby’s gotta do” from Tommy Pickles from Rugrats
JD: (Laughs) That’s very you so I appreciate that.
FB: Thank you, and I also think it’s like, and this is why it’s still my quote because this wasn’t my perspective on it back then but it is my perspective on it now, it’s true in the sense where you do just have to do certain things. And I don’t even mean like go to college and get a job, I mean sometimes it’s just hard to get up in the morning.
JD: A hundred percent.
FB: And that’s not really something that gets talked about enough.
JD: Yep, agreed.
FB: Like you might think it’s weird that you’re struggling with things that seemed basic, but sometimes you just gotta push through and do what you gotta do, ya know?
JD: Well I will say I definitely think that mental health is talked way more these days than it was ten years ago.
FB: Absolutely.
JD: Which is nice. I definitely have more questions.
FB: Go ahead.
JD: Now I’m curious to hear your side of things.
FB: Well so I can talk a little bit while you think if you want, because I do have something to add about mental health.
JD: Ok, add.
FB: So that is another thing that I’ve noticed since working in the (Brewster) high school as well. It is something that’s a lot more talked about and cared about to the point where, do you remember the in-school suspension room?
JD: Yes. I don’t remember the one in the high school, but I remember the one in the middle school.
FB: I remember the one in the middle school too.
JD: Ok yeah.
FB: The one in the high school is no longer the in-school suspension room. It is now called the Mindful Moment Room-
JD: Oh
FB: Where if any student or I guess teacher, feels like they need a moment during the day just to go in and there’s a bunch of- there’s like a meditation corner, the lights are off, it’s dim, there’s calming music playing all the time, there are different books, there’s one of those zen gardens with the sand and the little rake and there’s a little water fixture.
JD: Oh my god they would have never had that when we were there.
FB: It’s crazy to think about the fact that that exists now, but I had times where that was my assignment for a period or two and it was awesome seeing kids be able to come in there and unwind.
JD: That is kinda nice.
FB: They ask to go there as if they were asking to go to the bathroom during class and they have to sign in.
JD: Where is that room?
FB: Ok think about the foreign language department, heading towards the math hallway.
JD: Yes.
FB: It’s right next to the foreign language office.
JD: Ok, I can’t think of the room but I know the area. Kinda near that like hidden staircase a little bit?
FB: Yes.
JD: Ok, cool. That’s nice for them.
FB: It is, and I do think it’s one of those things where it’s like as nice as it would’ve been to have something like that when we were there, I am glad that the world is at least headed in that direction for these kids, ya know?
JD: Also though I will say, I mean not that I’m glad it wasn’t there when we were in school, but I feel like if we had something like that it would’ve been abused honestly.
FB: Oh one hundred percent. But I also think that speaks to the change of the culture, like these kids are different than we were.
JD: Agreed and I think also social media comes into play in this way in a good way because like May is mental health awareness month. All over social media, these kids are seeing it, I’m sure they’re talking about it with each other, so that’s when social media comes into play in a good way.
FB: Yes, absolutely.
JD: If you could describe yourself in one word in high school what would it be?
FB: Describe myself
JD: Yeah
FB: In high school in one word
JD: Yeah
FB: Hmmm… That’s tough, that’s a good one.
JD: I don’t even know what I would choose, I’m thinking in my head. (After a full thirty seconds of silence) Or two words… or three (laughs).
FB: Thank you. Um… I don’t want to fall back on this because it is a sentence it feels weird to say at this big age that we’re at, but I was voted Most Outgoing.
JD: Oh, yeah!
FB: And so I feel like that is something that was important to me in high school. I did want to make sure that people- I wanted to be outgoing, and it wasn’t like, obviously I didn’t act that way to get voted that, that’s not really a superlative people give a shit about.
JD: No, that was your ulterior motive (laughs).
FB: Exactly, the whole time I was never really nice-
JD: I regret voting for you (laughs).
FB: I just wanted people to put me in the yearbook jumping up and down. But I do think that I did always try to, and I still do, I try to make an effort to try to make people feel included and good about themselves, and try to brighten things up where I can. And it was interesting because as we mentioned a little bit, that first year of college was really tough on me. And I remember being like how did I go from someone that gets voted Most Outgoing to being someone that’s like, eating their meals alone, skipping meals because of that, barely leaving my room? I had the freshman negative fifteen, I lost fifteen pounds my first year.
JD: I wish I could say the same (laughs).
FB: (Laughs) And so that was just like, I just went from, I just felt really isolated.
JD: Yeah cause you left your comfort zone.
FB: Exactly. Did you think of a word for you?
JD: I was thinking… I have the idea but I can’t think of what the word is.
FB: I was kinda going through that as well.
JD: Like… Not like… Ok definitely not innocent (laughs) I definitely was not innocent in high school. But like a mix between innocent and immature and not really knowing- like thinking that I had it all together.
FB: So almost like unaware?
JD: I don’t know, I guess maybe foolish?
FB: I don’t want to say ignorant because that has kind of a negative connotation to it these days, but to an extent we all are.
JD: Yeah ignorance is definitely bliss a lot of the time. (Shortly after our interview Jess texted me to tell me that the word we were trying to find was “naive”.)
FB: And this is something that also came up with Alexa where it’s like we were not even capable of understanding where we were in time. Like Alexa was talking about how it’s crazy to think it’s been ten years and there’s still so much of our lives ahead of us-
JD: Yeah
FB: When you break it down, and I’m just gonna use twenty for a rounder number, when you’re twenty years old ten years is fifty percent of your life. But then when you become thirty years old, ten years is only thirty-three percent of your life. It’s still ten years, but it’s less of your life when you get more. So like high school really was our entire universe because we didn’t know anything else.
JD: It was, it absolutely was, and I don’t think a lot of us knew what the real world would be like when we left high school and started our lives and everything. I mean it’s like fun to think about like we were so just young and stupid and whatever and we probably thought so many things about leaving high school and starting our lives and how- like if you asked everyone in high school, well it’s kind of like the question you asked like did you think you were prepared for what was to come or whatever, I’m sure everybody would say no, and I’m sure if you asked something like did your life go the way you thought it would they would probably also say no.
FB: Yeah I think most people have said no to that one.
JD: Because like everything changes, like literally everything changes, even just like personal things too, like being gay. Back in high school like obviously there were some people who were gay or that we thought we knew about or whatever, then you leave high school and go to college and you experiment- also the times change and you realize things are ok, you know?
FB: That’s another thing about the kids in the high school now-
JD: Yeah?
FB: So many gay kids.
JD: Yes, I see it all over fuckin TikTok!
FB: So many open, and comfortable, and I’m so happy for them.
JD: I know I’m happy too but it makes me so sad. Like obviously I wasn’t out in high school, but I see all these kids on TikTok doing these prom TikToks, you know? All of these girl couples and I’m so happy for them, but it’s like that would’ve never happened in our high school. And like I said obviously I wasn’t out in high school, but like maybe I would have been if it was more acceptable, you know?
FB: If it felt safer, absolutely.
JD: Yeah, exactly.
FB: And granted we are in New York, so we are in a state where that’s easier than some others.
JD: Yeah, for sure.
FB: But at the same time I absolutely feel the same way. It’s like the same thing with the Mindful Moment Room. It would’ve been great if we were equipped to have a more welcoming community back when we were there, but even though we didn’t I’m so glad the kids have it now.
JD: Have it now, yeah.
FB: Because I do think about the years when I was substitute teaching there, plenty of just out, open, proud, and not even living with a target on their back. It was just so normalized that even the kids that back in our time would’ve been the biggest bullies about it, they could give a shit now.
JD: Right which is so nice and obviously there’s always gonna be that one person who’s whatever.
FB: Of course, but now they’re the quieter voice. Now homophobia is weirder than being gay, which is an amazing leap of progress for the kids to have made. I’m thrilled for them.
JD: Yes, it definitely is. It’s nice to see that but there is that one piece of resentment. It’s like why couldn’t we have had that, you know what I mean? But we have it now so.
FB: It’s funny because the closest thing I think of to that is like the conversation around student loan debt forgiveness. Where people are like “Oh I paid off my student loans, so everyone should have to”.
JD: Right.
FB: I’m just like why do you not want it to be better for people? Imagine if that was “Oh I was bullied in high school, so everyone should be”. No!
JD: Right, that’s not how the world works.
FB: It’s an insane stance to take.
JD: Exactly, it’s stupid. Crazy times. It’s crazy how things have changed.
FB: And again, knock on wood, hopefully still for the better. It does seem like we’re headed in the right direction as slow as it might feel sometimes.
JD: I mean honestly now that the pandemic is over that’s a great thing so everyone’s looking up in that way. Our lives have only stopped for a little while I feel but, you know, I think we’re all growing up.
FB: Do you have any other questions you want to throw at me?
JD: Umm… Over all, our class, I’m sure you follow a lot of us on social media and see us whatever, over all… are you proud of our class? Like to see us all doing our thing, or did you expect more from us?
FB: I have a specific answer, and I’m going to say it, but I don’t know if I’m going to include it in the actual write-up.
JD: Ok.
FB: I am thrilled that no one from our class is dead.
JD: Oh my god dude I think the same.
FB: I think about that constantly.
JD: Yeah.
FB: Because there have been, and it breaks my heart, people from the classes above us, and even some from the classes below us that are tragically not with us anymore, and I am so incredibly thankful that that has not happened in our grade.
JD: Yep, I agree. I totally agree because like… I’m like proud of myself for being here honestly for just like mental health reasons and you know what I mean. And I’m sure tons of other people in our grade have felt the same so.
FB: Jess, I’m right there with you. There were a lot of times where I did not think that I was going to be having this conversation at this age.
JD: Yeah, and it’s nice to think like- and that goes back to what I was saying before also it’s like things will get better, it’ll all be ok, I’ll make it eventually, you know?
FB: Exactly.
JD: Pain is temporary, and time heals all wounds honestly.
FB: And this is something that I’ve mentioned in therapy, there was a point in time where I didn’t think I was gonna make it to college. And then I didn’t think I was going to make it out of college. And I keep, this might be a dark way to phrase it, but I keep celebrating birthdays that I didn’t think I would have. And I’m (now) at a point in my life and my mentality where I’m glad, and I’m at a point where I’m sticking around.
JD: Yeah I mean as long as you are able to recognize the feelings you had before and why you should continue (to live) that’s really all that matters.
FB: Right, right.
JD: Life is worth living (laughs).
(This interview has been edited for length and clarity)
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